Suddenly the world seems a little darker, a little sadder. Nights stretch into weeks and weeks become years. The flowers that once grew their roots in my lungs have been painted with the salt in my tears. My heart keeps skipping beats, I think it’s preparing for it’s last. Let this end. Let me end. Let this end me.
Songs that play like sobbing sound better, coffee as my sole meal of the day tastes better and what’s the point of getting out of bed when I’ll just be back in there tonight?- Lora Mathis
People get so frustrated with depression, as if we should be able to overcome the chemical imbalances that we have no control over. They secretly wish we’d just ‘get over it’. But what people don’t get is that depression doesn’t care.
The above is an excerpt from my journal from a few months ago. It’s an insight into what was my state of mind.
The past 6 months have seen me experience the worst moments of my life. I reached rock bottom and then fell even deeper into a hole that I couldn’t crawl out of on my own. I didn’t want to live anymore and I did the only thing I could do which was try and make it all stop. I couldn’t see things getting any better. But I was found and treated by some amazing paramedics and medical staff and I am still here. Not long after, I ended up being hospitalised again, this time in a psych ward, and it was there that I met some of the most lovely nurses and patients who showed me more kindness than I knew to be possible.
I’m still not illness free and I’m not sure that I ever will be but I’m doing significantly better and I’m starting to move on with my life. I will not let this period of darkness define me. Medication makes my depression manageable and I’m no longer ashamed to say that I rely on pills to keep me alive. I’m now thinking about volunteering and going back to studying and I’m planning my future.
I plan to have a future.