I’m falling backwards

If I’m honest, 2017 isn’t shaping up to the year I had hoped it would be. The last few weeks have been rough and unfortunately I’ve found myself deep in depressions grasp again. I’m not really sure what happened or how things got this bad this quickly but I haven’t been very well and I feel like I’ve lost any sense of direction.

In late January I was hospitalised  in a medical ward for a few days following an overdose and was then transferred to a youth psychiatric hospital where I stayed for about 4-5 days. I’m currently home and have been for a few days but am still finding things extremely difficult. I’m not sure if I want to accept the help being offered to me or where I want to go from here. Putting it bluntly, I’m not sure if I want to be alive.

So much has happened in the last year but I feel just as stuck as ever and I don’t know if I can see things ever getting any better.

This is a short post because I’m obviously still struggling and I don’t think negativity is a helpful thing to put out there but I don’t want to pretend things are all sunshine and rainbows when they’re not. Things are bad but I’m trying and taking things day by day.

I have just had my birthday and turned twenty which is a pretty big achievement. I didn’t expect to still be here and I think that’s part of why things aren’t great right now. Getting older is hard because it means I’m still alive and still breathing but I am proud of myself for making it this far and it needn’t be scary.

I was meant to go back to university early but being in hospital has meant that I’ve had to postpone that and will now go back at the end of February for the start of semester 1 with everyone else. I’m hoping that returning will help motivate me and give me something to work towards, I just hope that by then I am well enough to study.

I hope you’re all doing well and I will post more when things improve but right now I need space and I hope you can understand.

Keep hanging in there everyone, better days are coming.

-S

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