The inner battle of taking my medication

These pills, these tiny little pills. Especially this one. this single white pill.


It seems so simple, so easy. Follow the instructions on the packet. Yet, my experience with it is so far from easy. Me and this pill, we have a complicated relationship.
This white tablet in my hand, you see, is an antidepressant. And it’s not just any antidepressant, it’s my antidepressant. Prescribed by my doctor because she believes it helps me, but I have so much trouble taking it.

I can’t tell if it helps me or not and taking it is difficult because it means I’m actively doing something to help myself. A lot of the time I don’t feel like I deserve help and I don’t know if I want to get better. Why? Because this is safe and familiar and anything different is scary. I don’t know how to live without mental illness. Feeling better terrifies me because who will I be if I am not who I am now?

For some reason, I can take sleeping pills and vitamins but antidepressants scare me. It’s because they affect your brain chemistry and your brain chemistry is makes you who you are. I am still the same person if I take this or not though and I need to keep reminding myself that. Taking this does not mean I am weak or will magically be cured. All it means is that I am taking it. Maybe it will help or maybe it won’t but regardless, I am still me.

I wish it was easier to do this. I wish my brain could see it as a solution or medicine but it’s hard to see it that way when results aren’t immediate and when it’s your brain that’s sick.I’m scared of feeling better but I’m also scared I’m going to feel like this forever.

I am starting these again because I have to, deep down I know I have to. I need medication and that’s okay. I wish there was a sign pointing to the one that is the right one; the solution of all solutions. But I’m learning that it’s not that simple.

Please work little pill, I need you to work, even if sometimes I don’t want you to.


3 thoughts on “The inner battle of taking my medication

  1. I’ve take little pills for years, decades. When people are unsure about anti-depressants I usually tell them that what they do is simply lift that heavy burden they are carrying around a little, just enough so they can lift up their eyes and see the world again, and more importantly, work on issues. When I am depressed I feel like I’m walking through molasses and can’t get any work done in therapy, or life. Sadly they don’t magically cure us. 😦 I rather wish they did. Not everyone needs to take them forever, only people with clinical depression.

    I’m bipolar 1, meaning I absolutely have to take meds. If I didn’t, I know 100% I’d be dead by now. I hate the symptoms of bipolar more than I hate the meds and the meds make it so I can live functionally. I came to terms with them years ago. Now, after all these years, the way I feel if I miss doses is foreign and scary. I still get depressed and sadly I still get manic, but far less than before. Despite all the positives in my life, when I’m depressed, everything is doom and gloom. I become apathetic and simply don’t care about anything. I don’t care about recovery, I don’t care about my friendships, I don’t even care if I take a shower or not.

    The process of starting meds is hard so I feel for you and what you are going through. It’s sometimes a long process to find the right amount, to get stabilized. Hopefully you won’t have to take too long to adapt. I found it was hard to tell if they are working until, all of sudden, I become aware that I’m actually participating in life. Usually it’s when I miss a dose that I really learn how much it’s working for me. I started a new med when I was in treatment this past February. It metabolizes itself so I have to keep increasing until it stabilizes. After all this time I’m still increasing and that is hard to, um, swallow so to speak. However, it is the first med that has kept my mania in check so for that reason alone I will keep on adding until it’s stable. Mania is horrible, worse than depression for me.

    I wish you well on your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

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