You Are Not a ‘Before’ or an ‘After’

I used to think that before and after photos were inspiring, now I see them for what they are; misleading and harmful. A small snapshot into a nonlinear journey. They do not capture the missed opportunities, the wasted hours or the pain felt inside. They are not a representation of what you were like before getting ill and they do not depict your rock bottom.

I always knew that when looking at these photos, I longed to look like the person in the before. Yet, I couldn’t comprehend that other people might find my own photos triggering too. To me, my worst never felt sick enough and I never embodied the image of the ‘eating disorder patient’ that I had instilled in me by the media. However what I failed to realise, was that as an eating disorder sufferer, my perception of my body was warped and the media’s representation wasn’t accurate. These comparisons depicted a certain stereotype of the illness that I so desperately wanted to break away from. I preached that eating disorders were about more than weight, but still kept old photos as proof that I was sick. But my sickness had nothing to do with the size of my body and neither does yours.

Weight gain in recovery can be a wonderful and necessary thing, but the thing is not everyone in recovery from an eating disorder gains weight and not everyone starts off underweight. The people who do are in the minority. Images of bodies who are visibly unwell can reinforce the notion that eating disorder sufferers must look ill to be struggling and for their illness to be valid. They can invoke comparison in susceptible people. This leads to people thinking that because they don’t look emaciated, they aren’t deserving of help and therefore they don’t seek it or accept it. Instead, they get sicker.

Furthermore, weight restoration is not an indication of health or happiness. It does not mean that you are healed. Eating disordered thoughts and behaviours can exist at any weight, and appearances can be misleading. You don’t need to look your worst, to be at your lowest point.

Before and after photos are an oversimplification of a serious disorder. Eating disorders are life-threatening, mental illnesses. They are about more than merely food and shape and impact almost every aspect of life. They can stem from things such as other mental illness, trauma, perfectionism or an inability to cope. They are not just about weight.

For those wanting to share before and after photos, ask yourself why. Is it because of nostalgia for the body you once had and could one day return to? Are these photos proof of the severity of your illness? Does the fact that you are seeking validation mean that you are still somehow entrenched in your disorder? Who will benefit from the comparisons and would they have once been harmful to you? You do not need to prove that you were ill and no one deserves to feel like their suffering was any less because their photos were not as dramatic. No one is diminishing your achievements and it’s positive to want to show that recovery is possible, but challenge yourself to see if there are other ways you could celebrate how far you’ve come. You deserve to feel proud but be careful of what you share because you do not want your photos serving as ‘thinspiration’ for pro-eating disorder communities.

I wouldn’t ordinarily encourage people to censor their stories as I believe it’s important to share both the good and bad, but not when this harms others. We need to be conscious of how certain material can be detrimental to those who are vulnerable and know that we are responsible for sharing our journeys in a way that doesn’t pigeonhole sufferers. We also need to be sharing the stories of those that are often not seen or heard, the sufferers’ whos before and after bodies may not look drastically different or involve weight loss, those who are in the majority.

Instead of posting before and after photos of bodies, how about comparisons of emotions and life. How did you feel? What were your days like? What did your illness prevent you from doing? How has your world been enriched by recovery? What do you know now that you wish you had known then?

Finally, you are not a ‘before’ or an ‘after’. You are a lifelong journey, a steadfast during. A work in progress.

Stop comparing yourself to who you were and embrace who you are and who you want to become. If you keep looking back, you’ll prevent yourself from blooming.

There is poison in my mind

Ana, they say

Has taken over their thoughts

But I am not some quirky trend

I didn’t willingly choose this disease

It planted it’s roots in my mind

slowly poisoning my whole body

Black, sour, demonic

Anorexia for me

Is losing the trust of others

It is constantly letting people down

It is feeling harsh winter even amidst summer

Aching legs from not being allowed rest

It is the strong thudding of my heart inside my chest

The blackness that engulfs me when I stand

No, this isn’t a fad diet

Not is it something to admire

It is the beginning of the end

Unless one chooses to escape it

The Unforgivable

In this society

Exist liars

Who call women pretty

Only when they are made up

And dressed up

Women are not pretty

When they are bare-skin

And vulnerable

Women are sluts

If they dress themselves up

Too much; asking for it

Only loved if they

Are their girlfriend

A possession

Not a person

Only shown off

If they’re a cleaner

A chef

A mother

A toy.

There is no room

For intelligence

For opinions

For independence

For love.

These women are bound

By the patriarchal values

Seen in inequality

Of pay

Inequality of voice

Inequality of safety

We are all humans

Let us be humane.

S.j.l

Improving Mental Health: the Goal of 2021

It took a global pandemic for many people to realise the necessity of taking care of their own mental health. A time of adversity led to great introspection and reevaluation of what is important. The question remains, how do we go about it?

Foster relationships

Investing time and energy into relationships, old and new, can decrease loneliness and provide a sense of social connection. This could be through texting, zoom calls or in person. The method is less important than the contact. Reaching out to people can help both you and them.

Gentle exercise

Exercise can reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression by releasing endorphins but it need not be excessive and is not for everyone (especially not people with eating disorders). Exercise can also help improve the quality of sleep. A simple walk in nature or a quick dance in your bedroom can instantly shift your mood.

Improve your sleep hygiene

No this doesn’t mean you need to have a shower and clean sheets(though both can help)! Sleep hygiene is a term referring to good sleep habits. Some tips include; going to bed at the same time each night, avoiding caffeine 4-6 hours before bed, developing a bedtime routine, a small amount of exercise and refraining from naps during the day. It can also help to make you room dark and to reserve time in bed for just sleeping.

Follow Mindfulness

Mindfulness can be as simple as paying attention to the beat of your heart, emptying your mind and centering yourself. When you evoke calmness by turning inwards, your blood pressure decreases and your heart-rate and breathing slow. You can focus on the feeling in each limb of your body, give yourself a gentle massage or focus your attention on an object or sound. If you feel your mind wandering, just refocus and don’t be disheartened.

Find a Sense of Purpose

It does not have to be something as big as a career or starting a family, purpose can be found in smaller things. Activities like art and journalling can be a great creative outlet that leave you feeling productive. Volunteering is a way to give back to society and make a difference. Caring for a pet can make you feel needed and loved. Becoming a plant mum can give you a sense of responsibility. Find what works for you.

Dear 2020

Sometimes yearly review posts can be difficult as they make you realise that you haven’t achieved as much as you wanted or you didn’t live up to your expectations. I also don’t agree with setting strict goals each year because whatever happens, will happen. Life is unpredictable. In saying that I thought I’d round out the good things that have happened this year by writing a letter to the year that was.

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Dear 2020, thank you for the year that has been. There have been many ups and downs and though there were more downs this year, there were also some positive things that came out of it.

Thank you for teaching me that I am allowed to enjoy my own company. When isolation was happening, I couldn’t go to uni, see my friends or attend appointments. At first I felt more alone than ever before but I came to realise it’s okay to find pleasure in little things and to rest. Going on walks by myself, listening to music, journalling, taking pleasure in my cat, just sitting and watching the world pass by. These were some of the things I enjoyed this year.

Thank you for giving me my therapist. At the beginning of the year I began seeing a new therapist who specialises in eating disorders. Due to covid and my anxiety, I stopped sessions for a while and I have had a grand total of five or six this year (most over telehealth) but I have never felt more understood before. She found parts of me no other therapist has reached before. She has given me hope. I plan to continue to do my homework and to see her in the new year and maybe one day I will recover completely. I am not one in four.

Thank you 2020, for showing me that I am stronger than I think. When the world was crashing down around me, I felt like my life was ending, but it wasn’t at all. It did not end. It did not end when we could not buy toilet paper or leave our houses, nor when it became the perfect breeding ground for depression. I made it through the most difficult of times and found resilience that I didn’t know I possessed. I now know that I am capable of getting through almost anything.

Thank you for allowing me time to reflect on myself and my future. There are certain things that I have come to realise this year that have helped me immensely. I am not a bad person- this was a difficult one. I have always felt defective or ‘wrong’, but this year showed me there are far worse forces in the world than self doubt. We are all just people trying to do our best. I also had time to really consider my future career options and it’s given me back that spark of excitement that I feared I had lost. Anticipation over fear any day.

More importantly, thank you 2020 for coming to an end. There were times this year were the wave of loneliness and fear felt never-ending. We are far from out of the woods yet, who knows what the future will hold, but it seems that here in Melbourne the biggest wave has passed. We will keep fighting our way out of this but for now, at least, it seems there is light.

Favourite Books of 2020

Children of Blood and Bone (Legacy of Orisha #1) by Tomi Adeyemi

This is a young adult fantasy novel with POC representation. Zelie is a young girl from Orisha, and remembers a time of magic and magi. That all changed when the kingdom wiped it out and the remaining magi went into hiding. This is a story about her, alongside a runaway princess, and the chance to bring magic back. It is fast paced, intense and explores themes of racism. It is told through different perspectives, but isn’t too difficult to follow along. I recommend this to any ya or fantasy lovers out there.

Educated by Tara Westover

Tara is one of 7 children born to survivalist Mormons. Their father had rigid beliefs both as a result of religion and mental health issues, and his word was law in the family. The children each helped out in the dangerous family scrapyard which resulted in many incidents and injuries. Tara was 17 when she first set foot inside a classroom but her giftedness would eventually result in a Cambridge PhD. Her mother was a herbalist and midwife but too busy and distracted to properly homeschool the children, many of which would leave home at a young age. Tara experienced cruelty from her father and brother Shawn, and her upbringing led her to feel alienated from society when she attempted to leave her family. Nevertheless, she rose above her origins and created a great life for herself. I enjoyed this because for me it showed that despite where you’ve come from or what you’ve gone through, your spirit and hard work can overcome far more than you’d expect.

The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides

Alicia, a famous artist, is accused of murdering her husband and shooting him four times. She becomes mute for the next 6 years and is treated in a forensic psychiatric facility called ‘The Grove”. Then there is Theo, a respectable psychologist who takes a job at the Grove due to his interest in Alicia. He believes he is the one who will finally get her to speak. The book is told through Theo and snippets of Alicia’s diary. It is more fast paced and I didn’t guess the truth until the end so found it hard to put down. This is a good read if you are interested in psychology or mystery novels.

Below Deck by Sophie Hardcastle

A beautiful, poetic story and my favourite book of the year. Tw for sexual assault, but it is Oli’s journey of ‘becoming’ after assault and her becoming a fully fledged young adult. The book explores the feelings and thoughts that arise because of the incident and give you a great insight into what it is to be a victim. It is set, in part, on the ocean. Oli also has synaesthesia and hears and feels things in colour which is just magic on paper. Mac and Maggie become adopted family and their characters are warm and loving. This is a slow burner but it’s worth a read if you enjoy lyrical writing. I can’t stop raving about this one because it just gave me ‘the feels’. I would read sentences and then have to stop and re-read them because they were either so beautiful or really hit home for me. Sometimes books can be almost too ‘floral’ but this one hit that sweet spot.

Relapses Happen

This year has been rough. Covid 19 appeared and turned our world upside down. For me, it lead to me dropping out of my university course and then my semi-permanent job finished. My city has been in and out of lockdown since March, to the point where we were in stage 4 lockdown for a few months and only now are we finding our way out of it. Australia has been incredibly lucky compared to many places though. It was our harsh lockdown that saved us.

I’m writing this to let you know that I’ve relapsed again. I had completely weight restored by March/April this year but that wasn’t to last. I think it was a combination of everything ,really, that caused it.

I was unfortunately also discharged from my eating disorder service and this had big implications. They said they didn’t believe they were helping me and therefore, stopped my appointments. I felt let down. Like they were giving up on me. I was already relapsing and it just made me feel more alone. I didn’t realise that my admission weight still counted and therefore, about a month ago, I spent about a 9 day stint on a medical ward. The problem is, it didn’t help me and I think it triggered me further. I was medically stable so it made me feel like I wasn’t ‘sick enough’. I’ve relapsed again since that and who knows how long I’ll be out this time.

In other news, I might be studying either a masters of nursing or recommencing psychology honours again next year. I’m not sure which yet. I need to make a decision but I’m fearful of not making the right one. (Whatever that may be).

I’m Not Lazy When I Can’t Get Out of Bed

Recently, I’ve been criticised by other people with mental illness for the way that I cope and deal with things and it bugs me.

You wouldn’t be depressed if you left the house and engaged in life

Other people with severe depression can work and study full time. You’re just being lazy and choosing not to get better

First of all, there is already so much stigma surrounding mental health so I don’t understand why you would add to that ,especially when you claim to be suffering yourself. If you know what it feels like to be on the receiving end, why would you put that on someone else? We should be supporting each other, not blaming people for how their feeling or having a go at them. There’s a way to be supportive and helpful, and then there’s being plain mean.

Some people with depression can’t get out of bed

It’s not because we’re lazy or weak, and we’re not choosing to be sick. Often you are so drained of energy that everything becomes an effort. You get so overwhelmed by ordinary tasks that even the most basic things, like showering or changing clothes, can become difficult. When in a bad place, I’ll often go a week without showering because I’m just not able to. There’s also the fact that the outside world can become so terrifying that you don’t want to face it, or you’re scared to act on suicidal or self harm thoughts so you don’t go out. Depression can be heavy, you feel weighed down and it feels like you’re moving through a fog. At times you can focus solely on getting through it and that is the most you can do. There are days where you don’t want to get up because you cannot face having to get through another normal day. So you pretend the outside world doesn’t exist.

Everyone’s experience is unique

Some people go to work and university. They go out with their friends. Yet, they’re not happy. Underneath the smile, they’re in turmoil. They’re high functioning. It is believed that this is the case for the majority of people with depression. They could be having sleep difficulties, are not finding joy in anything and are easily irritable. They could be breaking down each night and then act as everything is fine the next day.

Then there are the less functional presentations. Can’t get up in the morning. Can’t fulfil responsibilities. These people might struggle to eat and bathe themselves. They might neglect the people around them and not care about anything.

I have been both of these. Depression exists on a spectrum and I don’t think it’s unusual for people to slide up and down it. Wherever you sit, you deserve help and support. Your experience is valid and so are you.

Mental Health During Stage 4 Lockdown

This pandemic has been extremely difficult and it’s impacts are far-reaching. There’s constant anxiety about getting sick and the unknown, and it is proving to be extremely detrimental to the mental health of just about everyone.

I live in Melbourne, Australia and while we’re doing better than a lot of places, we’re two weeks into a stage four lockdown. Our whole country was put into early lockdown measures in March, this included things like; no  non-essential gatherings of more than 500 people outside or more than 100 people inside, social distancing at 1.5 metres, the slow closure of gyms, pubs and entertainment venues, and then schools went to online learning. The government was excited about ‘flattening the curve’ but turns out the restrictions were lifted too early. The prime minister said we’d be living with this virus for at least 6 months, and we’re at that point now. Numbers began rising again in Victoria and restrictions were put into place. Two weeks ago, Melbourne was put into stage four lockdown for six weeks. This is what it looks like;

• A curfew between 8pm and 5am
• Four reasons to leave home; essential shopping(1 person per household only), work (if can’t be done from home), exercise, healthcare
• Must stay within 5km of home
• Maximum of 1 hour exercise outside a day
• Mandatory face masks
• Workers must carry permits

It’s been a prolonged process and if we’d gone straight into this months ago maybe it would have been easier, but I’m struggling. I haven’t seen my friends since March. I feel isolated and alone. I can’t go grocery shopping with my mum and when the panic buying happened, I couldn’t get my ‘safe’ foods. I can’t go to the movies or eat at a restaurant. I can’t even see my therapist because telehealth is too anxiety provoking. I don’t even want to go for a walk anymore because it’s hard to breathe in fresh air through a mask.

I’m lying in bed, all day every day. My depression was bad but it’s gotten worse and my eating disorder is thriving in isolation. Last week, I went the whole week without showering. Today, I just want to disappear. Things are difficult.

I wish this was more of a positive post but it’s not. My mental health is the worst it’s been in a while and I’m fearful of what the result of that will be.

To people out there going through this, know that you are not alone. Remember that this is temporary. And reach out if you need support. We’re in this together.

My Story Was Shared

Hi guys, it’s been a minute! This year’s been tough and I’ll get into it eventually but right now I have some news.

The Butterfly foundation shared my story on their website! It’s meant to be mostly non identifiable but it was so rewarding to try and do something to help others. I encourage anyone in Australia/NZ with an eating disorder to submit their story and you can do it anonymously.

You can check mine out here; https://butterfly.org.au/story/a-life-after-is-a-life-worth-living/

Turning the Page in Recovery

I’ve had an eating disorder since I was about 13/14 years old and sometimes it seems like I’m bound to have one forever, but that’s not the case. The last few years have been full of recovery attempts and relapses but this time in recovery, it feels different. The main thing is; I want recovery. I want to get better. I have things (such as uni) to lose now and I’m sick of being sick. It’s hard to let go of my fragile and emaciated self but I am ready. I’ve been ill for long enough.

So what’s going to be different this time?

• I’m sticking to my meal plan which involves eating three meals and three snacks a day
• I’m committed to gaining a bit of weight and am okay with the number on the scales increasing
• I know I need the energy to succeed in my studies after already having to defer them in the past. If I want to do well then I have to eat, there’s no way around it
• I want to be social and spend more time with my friends. Being social often involves gatherings and food and I’ve missed out on too much because of my eating disorder
• I’m taking control. I’m not doing this for other people but for myself and I think that’s the biggest factor right now. No one can be forced to recover, I’m living proof of that. It has to come from within and I think it finally is