There is poison in my mind

Ana, they say

Has taken over their thoughts

But I am not some quirky trend

I didn’t willingly choose this disease

It planted it’s roots in my mind

slowly poisoning my whole body

Black, sour, demonic

Anorexia for me

Is losing the trust of others

It is constantly letting people down

It is feeling harsh winter even amidst summer

Aching legs from not being allowed rest

It is the strong thudding of my heart inside my chest

The blackness that engulfs me when I stand

No, this isn’t a fad diet

Not is it something to admire

It is the beginning of the end

Unless one chooses to escape it

Relapses Happen

This year has been rough. Covid 19 appeared and turned our world upside down. For me, it lead to me dropping out of my university course and then my semi-permanent job finished. My city has been in and out of lockdown since March, to the point where we were in stage 4 lockdown for a few months and only now are we finding our way out of it. Australia has been incredibly lucky compared to many places though. It was our harsh lockdown that saved us.

I’m writing this to let you know that I’ve relapsed again. I had completely weight restored by March/April this year but that wasn’t to last. I think it was a combination of everything ,really, that caused it.

I was unfortunately also discharged from my eating disorder service and this had big implications. They said they didn’t believe they were helping me and therefore, stopped my appointments. I felt let down. Like they were giving up on me. I was already relapsing and it just made me feel more alone. I didn’t realise that my admission weight still counted and therefore, about a month ago, I spent about a 9 day stint on a medical ward. The problem is, it didn’t help me and I think it triggered me further. I was medically stable so it made me feel like I wasn’t ‘sick enough’. I’ve relapsed again since that and who knows how long I’ll be out this time.

In other news, I might be studying either a masters of nursing or recommencing psychology honours again next year. I’m not sure which yet. I need to make a decision but I’m fearful of not making the right one. (Whatever that may be).

My Story Was Shared

Hi guys, it’s been a minute! This year’s been tough and I’ll get into it eventually but right now I have some news.

The Butterfly foundation shared my story on their website! It’s meant to be mostly non identifiable but it was so rewarding to try and do something to help others. I encourage anyone in Australia/NZ with an eating disorder to submit their story and you can do it anonymously.

You can check mine out here; https://butterfly.org.au/story/a-life-after-is-a-life-worth-living/

What I Wish My Family Knew About Eating Disorder

It was never about weight. It was about wanting to fit in and having people like me. I wanted to be the good child and make you proud of me but this perfectionism then transferred to my weight. I thought if I could become smaller then maybe things would be better. I wanted to disappear.

Sometimes I want to talk about it. Sometimes I want to let everything out and have someone listen but this doesn’t mean I want you to fix everything. On the other hand, there are times when I don’t want to talk about it at all.

It’s not a choice. I didn’t wake up one day and think ‘I’m going to develop an eating disorder’. It’s something that took a while to come about and it started gradually. I first tried to eat more ‘healthily’ but then it got out of control and there was little I could do to stop it from happening.

It’s not your fault. There is nothing you did or said that caused me to get sick. Some things may have contributed to it but the etiology was a mix of personality, genetics and environmental factors.

I wish you were kinder to yourself because some of the things you do, I replicate with myself. When you say negative things about your body, I feel like I have to think similar things about mine. When you say you don’t need to eat something because you ate more earlier, it makes me feel bad about eating and I see food as excessive. When you talk about dieting, it normalises diet culture and I feel bad about not being on one and contemplate starting. It feels like you are saying our bodies need to be ‘fixed’, Please be aware that the words you say matter.

There is no such thing as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ food. All food is good in moderation. Chocolate is good for your mental health and certain junk foods are necessary to normalise eating again. Please stop categorising food because it is unhelpful.

 

Hitting the Reset Button

I’m writing this from the hospital and another eating disorder admission. Things went downhill after I graduated uni and I had a long admission late last year and unfortunately relapsed straight after being released. I was on the waiting list for 2 months and continued to decline so entered treatment at my lowest weight.

This is meant to be a short admission so I can begin my honours course (yes I got in!) in two weeks (3 week admission). As a result, I’m on quite a high meal plan and on nasogastric feeds to get my weight back up to a safer level. it’s been difficult and they’ve been strict with me; no leave, supervised bathrooms and wheelchair transfers.

The main point of this post is that I’ve realised I want to get better this time. There are things in life (work and study) that give me purpose and direction and I need to be well enough for. I don’t want my life to revolve around hospital and they’ve told me if this continuous then I’ll be classified as chronically ill and won’t receive the same level of support again. The prospect of being ill for the rest of my life terrifies me and it’s not what I want.

 

You Are Not a ‘Before’ or an ‘After’

I used to think that before and after photos were inspiring, now I see them for what they are; misleading and harmful. A small snapshot into a nonlinear journey. They do not capture the missed opportunities, the wasted hours or the pain felt inside. They are not a representation of what you were like before getting ill and they do not depict your rock bottom.

I always knew that when looking at these photos, I longed to look like the person in the before. Yet, I couldn’t comprehend that other people might find my own photos triggering too. To me, my worst never felt sick enough and I never embodied the image of the ‘eating disorder patient’ that I had instilled in me by the media. However what I failed to realise, was that as an eating disorder sufferer, my perception of my body was warped and the media’s representation wasn’t accurate. These comparisons depicted a certain stereotype of the illness that I so desperately wanted to break away from. I preached that eating disorders were about more than weight, but still kept old photos as proof that I was sick. But my sickness had nothing to do with the size of my body and neither does yours.

Weight gain in recovery can be a wonderful and necessary thing, but the thing is not everyone in recovery from an eating disorder gains weight and not everyone starts off underweight. The people who do are in the minority. Images of bodies who are visibly unwell can reinforce the notion that eating disorder sufferers must look ill to be struggling and for their illness to be valid. They can invoke comparison in susceptible people. This leads to people thinking that because they don’t look emaciated, they aren’t deserving of help and therefore they don’t seek it or accept it. Instead, they get sicker.

Furthermore, weight restoration is not an indication of health or happiness. It does not mean that you are healed. Eating disordered thoughts and behaviours can exist at any weight, and appearances can be misleading. You don’t need to look your worst, to be at your lowest point.

Before and after photos are an oversimplification of a serious disorder. Eating disorders are life-threatening, mental illnesses. They are about more than merely food and shape and impact almost every aspect of life. They can stem from things such as other mental illness, trauma, perfectionism or an inability to cope. They are not just about weight.

For those wanting to share before and after photos, ask yourself why. Is it because of nostalgia for the body you once had and could one day return to? Are these photos proof of the severity of your illness? Does the fact that you are seeking validation mean that you are still somehow entrenched in your disorder? Who will benefit from the comparisons and would they have once been harmful to you? You do not need to prove that you were ill and no one deserves to feel like their suffering was any less because their photos were not as dramatic. No one is diminishing your achievements and it’s positive to want to show that recovery is possible, but challenge yourself to see if there are other ways you could celebrate how far you’ve come. You deserve to feel proud but be careful of what you share because you do not want your photos serving as ‘thinspiration’ for pro-eating disorder communities.

I wouldn’t ordinarily encourage people to censor their stories as I believe it’s important to share both the good and bad, but not when this harms others. We need to be conscious of how certain material can be detrimental to those who are vulnerable and know that we are responsible for sharing our journeys in a way that doesn’t pigeonhole sufferers. We also need to be sharing the stories of those that are often not seen or heard, the sufferers’ whos before and after bodies may not look drastically different or involve weight loss, those who are in the majority.

Instead of posting before and after photos of bodies, how about comparisons of emotions and life. How did you feel? What were your days like? What did your illness prevent you from doing? How has your world been enriched by recovery? What do you know now that you wish you had known then?

Finally, you are not a ‘before’ or an ‘after’. You are a lifelong journey, a steadfast during. A work in progress.

Stop comparing yourself to who you were and embrace who you are and who you want to become. If you keep looking back, you’ll prevent yourself from blooming.

What I Wish People Understood About Eating Disorders

In honour of today June 2nd being World Eating Disorder Action Day, I thought I’d share some things that I, a person with an eating disorder, wishes other people understood.

 

People with eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes and from all backgrounds

Most people assume everyone with an eating disorder is young, female, privileged, emaciated and suffering from anorexia. While yes, some of us are thin, the majority of eating disorder sufferers aren’t underweight and during their journey, many people’s weight will move up and down. That doesn’t mean they’re suffering any less. Males get eating disorders. People not in their 20s, get eating disorders. People of colour get eating disorders. So do rich people and poor people. They do not discriminate.

Appearing healthy does not mean that you are

Many people suffer in silence because they don’t look sick and since they don’t look sick, they may assume they don’t deserve help. Eating disorders are a mental health issue and you can’t see the extent of suffering. Furthermore, recovering from a restrictive disorder physically does not mean that someone is mentally recovered. For me, gaining weight caused a switch to bulimia and an increase in suicidal thoughts. Things that you couldn’t see.

They’re about so much more than food and weight

A lot of time is spent thinking about food and weight, but this is a way to numb and distract from the issues we are unable to face. Fundamentally, they are a way of coping from things like low self-esteem, academic pressures, other mental illness, bullying and trauma. They can be about control or perfectionism or safety. Eating disorders are complex and please don’t assume you understand them.

Eating disorders are not a choice

People choose to go on diets but no one chooses an eating disorder. Eating disorders choose you. No one wakes up one day and says hey, ‘I’m going to destroy my body’. There’s a mix of social, environmental and genetic factors that predispose someone to getting ill.

They’re all consuming

For someone suffering severely, almost every minute of every day is spent thinking about food. Eating disorders are exhausting and isolating because most social interactions revolve around food. They come before your job, your studies, your loved ones.

‘Your prime relationship is with your eating disorder, it consumes you and leaves little time for anyone or anything else’- Jessica Schiffer

Commenting on my food or body (or yours) is never helpful

Negative comments can obviously feed into eating disorders but so too can positive ones. Reassuring someone that they ‘aren’t fat’ is suggesting to them that they need to take action so that they stay that way, reinforcing the ideas of disordered eating. Positive comments such as ‘you look good’ or ‘you’ve lost weight’ suggest that a person’s value lies in their appearance and can be extremely gratifying, meaning that people may become more ingrained in their illness. Talking about your body and diet is triggering and unnecessary and deeply unhelpful.

Recovery can take a long time

For a lot of people, it can take years. Years of therapy and dieticians and appointments. This might include hospitalisation. Then there are the relapses and setbacks. Someone might be fine for a while and then ‘bam’, things start going downhill. Don’t assume that there is a simple fix because this is a problem that has often been there for a while. But getting better is possible. Recovery is worth it.